Relationship attachment styles: Blocks to harmony on the awakening journey- Compatibility Quiz - Pure Light 1111

Relationship attachment styles: Blocks to harmony on the awakening journey- Compatibility Quiz


Before reading this blog post.  I would like you first to take this quiz to determine your attachment style.

You can also take the accompanying compatibility quiz which will help you to determine your partners attachment style.

I want to shed some light on something that is fully alive and kicking in every single Twin Flame and spiritual awakening group I have visited on the internet.  I’m not talking about a few people, I am estimating 90% of those within the groups and this is also reflected in the majority of my clients.

These patterns have routes in three woundings that have to be healed and will help enable someone to have a healthy interdependent relationship.  These are wounds brought up time and time again for people going through awakenings, with much confusion and mystical conclusions on their roots and reason.

  • Child attachment wounds (bonding wounds from age 0-18 months of age)
  • Separation from mother (perceived rejection by mother who reflects source for the child during the birth process)
  • Separation from the creator/Twin Flame (soul core wounding- carried through life time after lifetime till healed).

See here for details:

Attachment styles are based on work by John Bowlby and relate to the period of 0-18 months of a baby’s life.  In particular relating to their connection with the primary care giver which is often the mother.  Attachment styles are formed depending on how the mother was able to connect and meet the needs of the baby.

If mother was responsive and in tune with the child.  Making it feel safe, secure and understanding the babies differing needs then the child will have an experience that intimacy is safe, the world is loving and my needs will be met.  This will result in a person having a secure attachment style.  They feel safe in the world, expect good things, open and confident to new experiences, seek support and trust they will receive it.  They are also comfortable communicating their needs and feel comfortable with intimacy.  Boundaries are something they are happy to assert and will happily walk away from a situation easily if they aren’t happy as they have an ingrained belief of self-worth and love for themselves.

If a mother was inconsistent in their care giving for many different reasons e.g. Illness, depression, poverty this will mean they may have been preoccupied and unable to attune to the child’s needs.  It may have meant they became angry or anxious about their mothering abilities.  This was then felt by the sensitive baby.  To the child it would have translated that the world wasn’t safe.  The underlying message is that mum could leave me which triggers deep seated anxiety.  Mother, for the child is the core source of love.  If she was inconsistent in her ability to provide love, nurturing and security then it would have led to a belief that love isn’t safe, love will leave, love will be taken from me.  A child may also have been left alone to cry unable to self soothe or mum may not have been able to understand what the child needed e.g. feeding, nappy change, cuddle etc.  Leaving the child fearing being abandoned but also not fully trusting mum when she was present as she might leave again.  This results in anxious/insecure attachment styles.  Which then play out in adult romantic relationships later in life.

Avoidant attachment styles.  In these instances the mother was so unpredictable and often intense in her interactions, the child it would have felt overwhelmed receiving the care it needed.  For example a mother may have been angry at the child’s crying as it was hungry.  She would have then fed the child and this intensity would have been felt by the child.  Instead of feeling safe, nourished and soothed it would have felt fear, anxiety and anger.  Creating a deep seated wound that ends up in the child suppressing their needs to avoid the intensity of the mother.  In other instances the mother would not have been attuned to the child’s needs leaving it crying and alone.  The child would have learnt after time that if it cries it won’t be soothed so it stops crying for its needs to be met.  The child withdraws and detaches from mother due to the unpredictable intensity she brings.   The mother is a reflection of the babies whole experience of the world and people within it.  Due to these experiences the child creates a pattern of withdrawing from emotional intensity in all relationships as a way to cope and return to inner equilibrium (a way to self soothe).  This is part of the ‘running’ pattern seen in Twin Flame dynamics.

Soul core wound healing and the beliefs and traumas from childhood are covered in the Twin Flame Healing Program.  I have included multiple sections which bring conscious awareness to these wounds, the soul fragment retrieval, inner child regression, trauma release and belief changes to help heal and break these patterns.  Helping to free you to start new patterns of interrelating.  When we have these wounds we will also often attract other soul teachers into our lives to trigger them, ending in cycles of failed relationships with similar people.  This is the pattern seen within the Twin Flame dynamic until resolved.

I also cover how to deal with the triggering of these wounds which is what constantly happens in the Twin Flame dynamic (energy clearing to return to equilibrium and articulating your need to have time out to reset are key).  Ensuring that you are not blaming the other person, rejecting or that by having this space to rebalance doesn’t mean the end of the connection (a big fear of the Twin with an insecure/anxious attachment).  Within the program I include belief changes around boundaries which also help to reduce the triggering cycles.

The piece that can’t be done through energy clearings and conscious awareness alone is that YOU have to become super focussed on your patterns, triggers, responses in day to day life.  Including being able to determine what attachment style mate you have attracted in.  The aim being to work towards being securely attached yourself so that you can then attract another secure partner.  Which will provide a healthy, interdependent relationship minus the push/pull drama and chaos.  It will also provide you with a supportive partner who will be there for you when you carry out your life purpose rather than pull you off course tending to constant drama.

The key is YOU have to do the work for YOU.  No one else can do this for you.  You also can’t do this for someone else (including your Twin Flame) or force them to either!

If you take a look at all your intimate relationships you will notice the patterns and get to a point where you LOVE YOU enough that you want off the drama train and to find a new way of interrelating in the world.  This is what everyone on the awakening path will be faced with as every single soul has a core wound to heal in varying degrees.

Let’s look at the key patterns playing out in their Twin Flame or primary intimate relationship.  These are all rooted in childhood attachment wounding but have been swept up into a lot of fantasy thinking and projections in the Twin Flame community.

  • Push and pull dynamic.  Creating an activation of fear and anxiety.  One withdraws when this cycle is triggered as a way to feel safe.  The other will desperately desire closeness and will often act out which compromises self-respect and their own needs to regain any scraps of attention, contact or communication.  This also brings a lot of energetic chaos into the fold where each will be heightened to the others out of control energetic frequency.  Often resulting in psychic attack between the pair and such intensity that they can’t be together as it’s repellent to experience the way this dynamic feels.
  • Withdrawal after intimacy either sexually or just a conversation or argument.  Self-sabotage and acting out to cause arguments or an excuse for distance are common.
  • Deep fear of having open honest communication with their counterparts even if it is to assert boundaries, express hurt or their opinion.  Often one will keep quiet to not rock the boat but will suppress their needs and opinions which then results in dissatisfaction and acting out/protest behaviours to get attention.
  • Objectification of the counterpart.  This helps to avoid intimacy and bonding in the connection.  It’s a form of avoidance and a way of always keeping a person at arm’s length. Thus reducing the intensity felt.
  • Creating fantasy scenarios around the Twin Flame connection keeping people in waiting zone situations.  I often see that regardless of how dire the situation is, all the unmet needs, no communication or abusive communication.  One of the Twins will revert to fantasy thinking either in what they believe is happening according to ‘Twin Flame dynamic theory’ or back to a few sporadic memories of good times spent with the counterpart.  What is happening here is that the default way this person is calming their attachment wounding (insecure/anxious attachment) is to revert to this fantasy thinking to calm their activated system which needs to be calmed.  So to focus on the ‘good times’ when they have a memory of their needs being met and feeling safe and loved.  This all correlates back to attachment/childhood bonding wounds/unmet needs where mother was inconsistent in their ability to meet the child’s needs.  It becomes a survival fear that is triggered.  To be separated from mother, the primary caregiver.  Regardless of how inconsistent or neglectful her care was it would have been so overwhelmingly traumatic and frightening that defence strong mechanisms were formed.  Meaning a child would have created fantasy scenarios to feel safe and connected to mother even if this wasn’t truly meeting their emotional needs in reality.  This is the major pattern I have seen play out in 95% of the hundreds of Twin Flames I have spoken with.
  • Blaming, distancing and projection.  One of the Twins is activated/triggered by closeness or their counterparts attempts to speak to them on an emotional level.  They shut down and withdraw to regain equilibrium.  Their attachment style is avoidant.  It means due to this onslaught of heightened emotional energy their whole system is overwhelmed and feels under attack.  To separate, gain control and rebalance.  Mental distancing strategies are formed.  All positive memories of their counterpart are forgotten or minimised.  The counterpart becomes the enemy.  They believe at this point that their counterpart is the reason for all these uncomfortable feelings so the activated avoidant Twin Flame projects all of the blame, anger and fear against the other Twin.  Creating huge energetic blocks and the provides the much desired physical distance.
  • Co-dependency.  As childhood attachment wounding often manifests into alternative ways of self-soothing (numbing).  Not so healthy addictions and habits are common.  This further adds to the cycle of avoiding intimacy.
  • Deep fear and inability to communicate healthily.  Unable to or unwilling to set clear personal, physical, emotional and sexual boundaries.  These will also often seep into psychic co-dependency where one Twin is draining the other of life force energy as the insecure attached Twin Flame believes they must use all their energy and might to be a constant stream of love, energy and attention (often through constant thinking patterns about the counterpart). Thus whatever we focus on we give our energy to.  The insecure (anxious) attached Twin subconsciously does this as they believe that ‘one day’ this love and focus will be returned and reciprocated.  It’s also connected to deep seated beliefs formed in childhood where they had to earn love.  So they feel safest when needed, so openly become their Twin Flames energy life raft.  Often they believe that as they ‘need to be needed’ that they are the stronger more ‘healed’ Twin Flame but actually it’s them who needs to focus on their own wounding to break this pattern.  By continuing they just play out the dance of love being conditional on them acting, giving or behaving on a certain manner.  So they are often terrified to stop!  They don’t know any different.

Ultimately it takes two willing individuals to create intimacy.  The Twin Flames or most people going through an awakening will often find themselves in connections with others who are either insecure (anxious) or avoidant attachment style.  This serves a purpose in highlighting what needs to be healed in YOU!  You can’t heal your Twin Flames attachment wounding, they have to do this themselves.  This is literally a choice to break free from not only the personal childhood wounding but when healed at soul and energy levels you are clearing up patterns at ancestral level too.  So breaking the template for future generations.

By healing these wounds in you means there will be less triggering and acting out between you and your counterpart.  If you follow this up with proactive changes in how you communicate, set boundaries and have awareness around each other’s varying needs for intimacy.  Then you shift the whole dynamic.  This is not just for Twin Flame relationships this is for all relationships in your life!  So you always win by putting your own needs to heal these wounds first!

One of the big challenges is not having healthy relationship templates.  Which translates to not having someone who acts as the secure attached role model.  When we have an experience and build a relationship with someone with a secure attachment style there’s no games, there’s open clear communication, intimacy, feeling of safety, support and no drama or acting out. This strong base actually assists in many ways including in activating parts of the brain which weren’t stimulated by nurture, having needs being met and love during important developmental periods as a baby (neuroplasticity and these changes are now proven by neuroscience).  So attracting a person with a secure attachment style will have many benefits across all areas of your life.  Bringing about more for fulfilment and joy.

The therapeutic alliance built with a therapist who holds space for healing in these areas will also help with providing a template for secure attachment.

So how does a healthy securely attached person react?

If a guy starts to pull away or act avoidant.  Rather than getting activated and either trying to control the situation or internalising the issue believing it’s due to some deficit in your personality.  The thought pattern is – this person is just not right for me, but the next one might be.  So they will speak up about the behaviour using clear communication.  They will then move on without drama or taking the situation personally as they accept this person isn’t able to be emotionally present or wants the same levels of intimacy.

Those with a secure attachment will gravitate towards those with a capacity to make them happy.  They aren’t addicted to the highs/lows like someone with an anxious/insecure attachment style.

They are comfortable with intimacy.  Using open communication to bring closeness between the pair.  They are happy to make future plans and able to communicate if they feel under pressure or if things are going too fast without it becoming an argument.  They appreciate a relationship is a two way street where both parties need to be open, communicate and compromise at times.

A disagreement is resolved quickly and easily without any grudges or resentment being held.  For someone with an anxious/insecure attachment an argument is internalised as a rejection against them, the end of the relationship and sheer fear.  For an avoidant attached person an argument can be a way to create distance and space when the connection is becoming too intimate.

If a partner isn’t being responsive enough to their needs.  An example being that if a guy didn’t call the next day after sex then no time would be wasted by someone with a secure attachment style.  It would be a clear sign to move on as game playing is felt as repellent.  An avoidant person would likely create distance by not calling after sex to desensitise after sexual intimacy.  For someone who is insecure/anxious attached they would strongly bond through sexual intimacy and hormones such as oxytocin also play a part here.  If a guy didn’t call after sex for an anxious/insecure attached person it would trigger abandonment wounding, create fear and anxiety.  All due to the unresolved childhood wounding as they had unconsciously attached to the new partner hoping they would become their new source of love (object/mother).

A lot of time is spent caught up in destructive cycles for many in the awakening journey as they feel the solution is in somehow fixing the Twin Flame counterpart.  In trying some spiritual bypassing such as the mirror technique to decipher what it means when their counterpart acts out, rejects them, ignores them.  It’s surface level and isn’t going deep enough to identify the true wounding at play.  Instead it exerts a lot of time and energy looking in the wrong place hence why there are literally hundreds of people in self-made holding zones where the blind is leading the blind in trying to help each other translate the madness.

The answer is always within us.  These wounds aren’t easy to identify or face at times but once you overcome them with a true commitment and dedication to proactive self-love.  Which involves facing all your ways of reacting, your patterns and illusions.  Going deep into your childhood wound healing.  Getting to the root which is always linked to intimacy and either lack of love, fearing losing love or fearing the intensity of it.  We could save ourselves a lot of pain, time and drama rather than projecting it against our counterparts.  It’s then that we start to take the steps to consciously make different choices in how we want to interact in our day to day lives and also what types of people and intimate partners we want in our lives that will bring joy, support and fulfilment.

It’s always a choice!  We can continue as we are and nothing changes or we take the initiative to draw a line in the sand and decide that we want something different and more fulfilling and it starts NOW!

I highly recommend this book to assist you when you start healing your childhood attachment wounding as it provides many case studies and also practical scenarios to help create new healthier templates on how to have secure based relationships in your day to day lives.  It’s the piece many forget when they are awakening as they caught up on the metaphysical.  However we are here to have soul experience in a physical reality and this involves getting out in the world and creating the lives we want to lead and interacting with people!  So many have detached from the outside world and immersed in social media/ Twin Flame groups, but they are missing out.  We create change in this physical world by shining our light, getting out there and interacting in it!  There are many people awakening at this time and if you are reading this you agreed to be out there shining away as a beacon of hope for them!  It’s part of your Divine soul contract!

Love and blessings

Allera xx

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